Projek BM : Intro - Persoalan Nikah, Khitbah dan Ikhtilat

Perhubungan dan Batasan Antara Lelaki Perempuan
I am a Muslim Arab youth. I got to know a Muslim girl of Arab origin who lives overseas, through the internet. It was – and still is – a relationship within the limits of the laws of Allaah, because, praise be to Allaah, I fear Allaah a great deal. I love her and she loves me because she is a committed Muslim girl, and she also fears Allaah. Our love is for the sake of Allaah, in sha Allaah.
I proposed marriage to her, and she accepted and agreed, and I praised Allaah for answering my du’aa’ by blessing me with a righteous wife, especially since I have wanted to get married and settle down for a number of years. She told her mother, who is a non-Arab, and she agreed at first, because her father had been away from them from a while. Her father recently returned, and she was happy, but he had come to tell his daughter to get ready to marry a man from her father’s country, without asking his daughter’s opinion of the prospective groom. She is afraid of him because he beats her sometimes, and she sometimes says that he is crazy; may Allaah guide us and him.
She told me that she does not want to marry this man and that she wants to marry me, and I told her the same thing. She said to me: What do you think of marrying me in secret, then we tell her father what has happened. She is over 18 years of age.



I asked a sister for her hand in marriage on-line and we talk to each other casually on the internet; is it allowed to speak to her even though I am not able to get married until I graduate (in 3 years).
was salamu alaykum


Well a year from now one of my friend, a girl, had introduced me to one of her online brother..and we have been talkin online for about a year now. Its not like we have ever talked about anything indecent, we talk in a well respected manner, and he sometimes jokes around,too. We both are aware of our religion..and we know how it is haraam to have girlfriends or boyfriends. But over time we both hav grown interested in each other.. and he has told me that he wants to marry me, but right now is too soon, i m only 16 and will be 17 in 2 months... the situation is too hard to explain...and i am really confused on what should be done..and what shouldnt. I really dont want to do anything that is Haraam or isnt right.. and i do have faith in Allah..that if he is good for me oneday we will be together... So i just needed some advice on this.. is talkin to a non-mahram guy online wrong?.. And this is the only way we know each other which is through internet...we havent met..but we have seen each other's pictures.. Well i hope all this makes sense to you..and you will be able to help me out here, cause right now i really need it.. i have been lookin through ur site and trying to learn more about our religion..and it is mashallah a good source.. but me still confused..about this situation... we havent done anything wrong..just talk online.. and hoping that Allah will guide us to be together... but the question that keeps coming up on my mind is if Islaamicaly is all this acceptable.. i have talked to other ppl..and he has talked to people too..and some say its wrong...and some say its ok as long as our niyyat is good and we havent done anything wrong.
please give me some advice here..thank you.. khuda hafiz

What is more stable in Islam, a love marriage or an arranged marriage?


Is love that ends in marriage haraam?.

I am a young man and fell in love with our neighbour’s daughter. That went on for two years without her knowing and without me telling her or anyone among my family, and without me meeting her. I was hoping that she would become my wife. Then I had a car accident that left me with extensive injuries and I became almost disabled. I was very worried because the dream that I had of marrying that girl seemed to be slipping away, then suddenly m my sister asked me to tell her frankly what was worrying me, and I told her what was on my mind. My sister said to me: I am going to tell her of your love for her and after that she can choose. The surprise was that she also loved me, and we began to exchange messages of love via my sister (messages that were, by Allaah, noble and chaste). After two years I proposed marriage to her and she agreed, praise be to Allaah. After one year we got married and we lived happily, and during that period I only saw her from afar, because they are our neighbours and we would meet by accident. I never spoke to her except on the wedding night. I have heard that because of our love for one another we have committed a sin. Is this correct? What is the expiation for that sin?.

I am a 24 years old girl. I fell in love, no dates, no meetings involved, pure love to a pure religious person. He promised to marry me and asked me to wait for him as his circumstances are difficult. I do not remember that he called me more than once. I asked him not to call me; because I feel this is wrong, although I love him. I felt that our love started going in the direction, he agreed to this feeling, and respected my opinion. He just sends me E-mails every so often via internet, so that I know his news. We have been in this love relationship for one year. I know this person and his family, and they know us well as well. I love him for Allah’s sake and sure he loves me as well. The problem is that I started receiving proposals, about 8 so far. Every time I refuse because I promised to wait for him. Now I am confused, is what I am doing halal or haram? I pray, Alhamdulillah, all obligatory and optional prayers, and pray qiyaam in the night as well; I fear I lose my good deeds because of what I am doing. Is a pure chaste love haram? Is my love to him halal or haram?.


I am a sister, who usually logs in to Paltalk and then goes to the Islamic rooms so that I may gain some knowledge related to our religion. Sometimes while I am in one of those Islamic rooms in Paltalk,a muslim brother(looking for a wife) in the room asks me to have a private written chat with him so that we get to know one another. Some of the questions he asks me are: where i live, my age, whether i am married(by the way I am not married), if I am planning to get marry, whether I live with my parents, and so on. My problem is, I don't know whether I am allowed(Islamicly) to give non-muharim brother those kinds of informations which related to me.
Is it really SIN to talk to a brother in writing ??.


I have a cousin (daughter of my maternal aunt) who seems to be religiously committed and of good character, but I do not know much about her personality and outlook on life, or how well we would get along. I used the internet as a means to get to know her, whilst being very careful to adhere to proper etiquette, especially since we come from a conservative family. Praise be to Allaah, I reached the decision to marry her in sha Allah, but it may take two years or more until I am ready, because I am still a student in the last year of university.
My question is: Is what I did permissible? Especially since it went on for nearly a year, because the customs of marriage in our society do not allow one partner to get to know the character of the other until they get engaged, but after that if it becomes clear that the two are not compatible and they cancel the engagement, that will lead to problems and severing of family ties. I feel worried about what I did and I am afraid that it may be considered a sin or an act of treachery. It is permissible to continue our correspondence until I come and propose marriage to her?.

I am a girl who believes in Allaah and His Messenger. Is it permissible for me to correspond with a young man through what is known as the “Pen pal corner”?.

i have a question thats bothering me alot for a while now..and i recently got divorce about a year now and i have no kids, its been a year now. my question is since i didnt' knew the guy before i got married and i got married to hum coz my parents thought he was nice for me..now since it happened with me i thought it would be nice if i know somebody before i get married not in a sense of dating but just talking and knowing whether he is a right person or wrong.. the point is i dont' want to hurt myself or end uplike this again so my question is does islam allows a girl to pick the guy and marriage i want some information regarding this.. i would appreciate your help

Internet relationships

She is afraid that her marriage may not be successful because she got to know him before marriage

I am a young Arab man who lives according to our Arab traditions, or what is known as a good attitude and etiquette, but this commitment has nothing to do with adhering to Islamic teachings, because in our country adhering to tradition does not contradict listening to music, mixing, dealing with riba-based banks and so on. I proposed marriage to a girl in the same environment that I am living in, and her family have been friends of my family for a long time. They all approved of the marriage since they know that we are both of good character. But my problem, unfortunately, started when I began to read about the rules on marriage in Islam and I started to reduce mixing and to pray regularly in the mosque and let my beard grow and not deal with riba-based banks and not listen to music and so on. Now both families are regarding me as an extremist, except those on whom Allaah has mercy, and they started to make this girl afraid of me, even though she loves me very much and has told them all about that many times. The girl wants to be committed but she is not able to do some things such as wearing niqaab or covering the face. So she too regards these things as signs of extremism in religion, as her family do.
Should I forget about this girl who is of good character and proper etiquette and who is keen to pray and recite the adhkaar of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and is trying to be committed, and who loves me and tells others of that, and does not want to lose me, but she is unable to do some things that have to do with religion, such as covering her face, and look for someone else who is committed but whose family and behaviour I do not know and my judgement of her will be only according to what I hear from those who know her family and behaviour?

Can muslim guy and girl could go out on a date before their marriage? If they do then what would be the consequences of that? What does Islam says about going out before marriage?

I read the hadiths about the prophet peace be upon him allowing the man to see the woman before deciding whether to marry her or not. My questions is, what exactelly is the person allowed to see exactelly?
Is he allowed to see her hair (entire head) ?

Tentang Khitbah / Pertunangan
What is the concept of engagement in Islam. Usually an engagement party is one in which the fiance/fiancee exchange rings. Is this the prescribed method in the shariah?.

Is it forbidden for muslims to declare the engagement (alkhotoba)? If yes, who are the people supposed to know about the engagement?
Are Close friends allowed to know about it??.

A year ago I proposed marriage to a girl and we reached an agreement on all issues, but the engagement has now gone on for a long time. Now I want to do the marriage contract, but her family are refusing and they say that she is still studying, and I have to wait three years until she finishes her studies in the university, then we can get married.
I do not know whether it is haraam for the engagement to last so long or not. I appreciate your website.

Does a brother has any legal bond on a sister he has intentions to Marry? What I actually mean is: a brother is interested in a sister and wants to marry her, however, another brother wants to marry her also but he does not want to engage her as yet (Kitbah). because one brother wants to marry the sister does that mean that the other brother should stay away?

Konsep saya tentang cinta
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/82941/love

Cik Beah Osem

Siapakah Cik Beah Osem sebenarnya? Tanya saya, saya pun tak kenal.

Pertama sekali saya mendengar nama Cik Beah Osem pun adalah selepas melihat video ini :





Nak dijadikan cerita, secara tak sengaja saya terjumpa pula blog Cik Beah ini semasa mencari bahan-bahan ilmiah untuk dibaca. Blog Cik Beah Osem boleh dilawati di sini :

http://suratcintarabiah.blogspot.com



Jadi saya pun berminatlah untuk berkongsi beberapa benda yang saya peroleh dari blog Cik Beah Osem ni.

1. Pengislaman Jo Yee



Video di atas menceritakan dari mulut Loo Jo Yee sendiri berkaitan pengislamannya. Tapi sebenarnya kalau share atau tunjuk video ini kepada rakan-rakan saya yang lain (lelaki), rasanya bukan difokuskan kat isi ucapan Jo Yee pun. Ceh.


2. Artikel 'Tentang Hawa dan Adam'

Di bawah akan saya copy paste penuh artikel Cik Beah ini berkaitan lelaki dan perempuan. Tapi memang betul la, ada lelaki-lelaki dalam dunia ni yang memang naif, fikir yang hanya kaum lelaki je yang boleh fikir bukan-bukan, perempuan adalah makhluk yang tak akan fikir bukan-bukan, mungkin lebih memikirkan benda lain, mungkin harta dan material, mungkin kecantikan masing-masing dan kalau mereka tengok cerita jiwang, hanya fokus kepada perasaan semata-mata. Namun setelah membaca artikel Cik Beah Ini, rasanya semua lelaki-lelaki naif ini tadi seharusnya berfikir dua kali juga.

Berikut adalah artikel penuh yang diambil dari link ini - http://suratcintarabiah.blogspot.com/2012/03/tentang-hawa-adam.html

Bismillah.

Saya ini, bukanlah yang ahli di dalam ilmu-ilmu Islam, namun saya melihat, haruslah saya menyampaikan sesuatu yang dirasakan perlu untuk membuka mata-mata yang sedang lena tertidur. Kerana, tidaklah dikatakan beruntung keadaan manusia itu jika tidak saling ingat-mengingatkan kepada hal kebenaran dan juga kesabaran.


Tentang Hawa

"Ak elah hai. Rilek ah kak. Muka dan badan lelaki bukannya auratpun nak kena tutup-tutup bagai macam pompuan. Bukannya berdosapun kalau tayang semua gambar saya yang berposing ala-ala Bruno Mars tu. Lagipun saya ni kalau tak berposing pun, dah tak boleh buat apa, sebab memang dah semulajadi hensem kot."

Ayat-ayat seperti ini sebenarnya selalu membuat saya sedih. Betapa 'ignorant'nya orang-orang di zaman ini, hanya sibuk menjaga tepi kain sendiri dan tidak mahu langsung meletakkan dirinya di luar kotak untuk melihat gambaran sebenar keseluruhan kotak yang dia senang sekali duduki itu.

Apakah salah jika lelaki menunjuk-nunjukkan ke'hensem'an dan juga kehebatan fizikal dirinya kepada perempuan? Pertama sekali, saya tidaklah berani mahu menghukum haram ataupun tidak boleh. Cumanya, sebelum saya mengulas dengan lebih lanjut, saya mahu mengajak anda semua berfikir, kenapa ayat yang sama diturunkan kepada lelaki, juga diturunkan kepada perempuan? Bukankah perangai lelaki dan perempuan itu berbeza?


"Dan katakanlah kepada perempuan-perempuan yang beriman supaya menundukkan pandangan mereka, dan memelihara kehormatan mereka....." (Surah An-Nur: 31)


Lalu, adalah yang bertanya, adakah kerana perempuan itu juga sebenarnya punya sifat 'gatal' seperti orang lelaki? Jawapannya, ya, memang benar! Namun, kerana perempuan itu ada sifat malu, makanya orang tidak pernah nampak 'kegatalan sebenar' seorang perempuan; apa yang ada di dalam kepalanya, atau apa yang ada di dalam keinginan hatinya.

Tetapi, saya ini tidaklah terlalu kejam mahu menuduh semua perempuan di dalam dunia ini gatal. Namun, di zaman serba canggih yang dipenuhi dengan vampire hot seperti ini ataupun hero drama secomel ini, percayalah, untuk mencari seorang perempuan bisu, pekak dan juga buta seperti yang dinikahi oleh Thabit bin Ibrahim itu adalah amat sukar sekali!

Janganlah berfikir bahawa seorang perempuan itu naif, lagi-lagi seorang perempuan yang selalu menonton drama-drama cinta, atau yang suka sekali membaca novel-novel cinta. Janganlah berfikir, bahawa mereka itu tidak mempunyai kebolehan bermimpi ataupun berkhayal untuk membuat aksi-aksi comel bersama dengan lelaki hensem pujaan mereka seperti pakcik dan makcik di dalam gambar di bawah ini.

Ayuhai lelaki, kerana itu, tolonglah jaga ke'hensem'an dirimu demi menjaga hati-hati kami yang amat lembik seperti agar-agar ini. Tidak perlulah berlebih-lebihan di dalam menayangkan kecantikanmu itu. Kerana saya amat bimbang sekali, bimbang jika diri kamu yang lawa itu akan semakin memanjangkan angan-angan seorang anak gadis, yang di dalam kepalanya itu, sudah sedia terpenuhkan dengan adegan-adegan romantis yang ditontonnya setiap hari di dalam TV.

Kalaupun kamu mahu berbicara tentang betapa 'hensem'nya diri kamu ataupun si fulan bin si fulan, cukuplah kamu bincangkan hal-hal seperti itu sesama kamu sahaja. Ambillah ibrah nabi Yusuf 'alaihissalam yang lebih mencintai dirinya tersorok di dalam penjara, dan benci apabila baginda menjadi penyebab terpotongnya jari-jari perempuan yang melihat dirinya; yang berkali-kali ganda lebih hensem daripada kamu-kamu yang mengaku ala-ala Bruno Mars itu!


Tentang Adam

"Ish, mana aci kak. Asyik-asyik kita je yang kena jadi hantu bungkus. Dah tu, lelaki buat apa? Nafsu syahwat besar mengalahkan gajah! Kalau tak tengok perempuan dalam sehari, boleh mati ke?"

Ya, dik. Memang seorang lelaki boleh mati kalau tidak melihat perempuan di dalam sehari. Kerana kamu tahu, lelaki itu seperti seekor kucing, maka kamu lemparkanlah apa saja jenis ikanpun kepadanya, baik ikan bilis ataupun ikan paus, ia akan tetap menggigit dan membawa lari ikan itu.

Kepada lelaki, maaflah andai saya ini berbunyi agak sinikal, namun bukankah sememangnya Allah telah mencipta kamu semua begitu keadaannya? Maka terima sajalah, ya. Kalau mahu dihitung, berapa banyak ayat-ayat di dalam al-Quran dan juga riwayat hadith yang berbicara tentang nikmat bidadari? Kenapa tidak ada bidadara???


Di dalam Syurga-syurga itu terdapat bidadari-bidadari yang pandangannya tertumpu (kepada mereka semata-mata), yang tidak pernah disentuh sebelum mereka oleh manusia dan jin; (Ar-Rahmaan: 56)


Jawapannya, kerana lelaki itu kan makhluk ciptaan Allah. Makanya, pastilah Tuan yang menciptanyalah yang lebih kenal sifat dan juga kelemahannya yang paling utama, iaitulah perempuan. Pernah dengar ayat ini; behind every succesful man is a woman? Besar sekali pengaruh seorang perempuan di dalam kehidupan seorang lelaki, sampaikan kisah kejayaannya pun dikaitkan dengan seorang perempuan.

Juga, masih ingatkah, dengan peristiwa nabi Muhammad SAW sewaktu baginda menggigil-gigil kerana terkejut berjumpa dengan malaikat Jibril? Siapa yang menenangkan baginda pada waktu itu? ;)))

Untuk para perempuan yang selalu menyalahkan lelaki, ketahuilah bahawa lelaki itu kerjanya lebih berat daripada kita. Seperti kita yang perempuan ini yang saban waktu terpaksa menjadi 'hantu bungkus', merekapun sebenarnya berhempas-pulas juga menundukkan pandangan mereka daripada memandang kita tanpa ada sebab-sebab yang mengharuskan.

Melainkan, lelaki-lelaki fasik yang di dalam hatinya itu sudah sedia berpenyakit miang dan gatal;


Wahai isteri-isteri Nabi, kamu semua bukanlah seperti mana-mana perempuan yang lain kalau kamu tetap bertaqwa. Oleh itu janganlah kamu berkata-kata dengan lembut manja (semasa bercakap dengan lelaki asing) kerana yang demikian boleh menimbulkan keinginan orang yang ada penyakit dalam hatinya (menaruh tujuan buruk kepada kamu), dan sebaliknya berkatalah dengan kata-kata yang baik (sesuai dan sopan). (Al-Ahzaab: 32)


Jadi perempuan, usahlah merungut-rungut susah menjadi 'hantu bungkus', kerana menjadi lelaki itu sebenarnya, adalah beratus-ratus kali ganda lebih susah daripada menjadi seorang perempuan! Hanyanya, kita saja yang tidak nampak, atau, sengaja buat-buat tidak nampak.


Akhlak Al Amin, Di Mana Mahu Cari?

Saya suka sekali untuk memetik sebuah cerita yang menggambarkan betapa halus dan berseninya akhlak Rasulullah SAW, yang sudah jarang-jarang lagi dipraktikkan oleh kebanyakan orang di zaman ini. Ada dikisahkan (maaf, saya tidak dapat mencari riwayatnya, namun kisah ini amat popular sekali), bahawa pernah sewaktu baginda SAW hendak bersolat, dilihatnya ada seekor kucing yang sedang tidur di atas serbannya.

Kerana tidak mahu membangunkan kucing tersebut, maka baginda yang baik hati itu lantas memotong serbannya, dan membiarkan saja kucing itu untuk terus tidur. Subhanallah. Sungguh cantik dan cakna (peka/concern) sekali baginda SAW, hatta hanyalah kepada seekor kucing!

Lalu, apa relevannya kisah kucing yang tidur ini dengan cerita Hawa dan Adam yang saya bahaskan di atas? Begini, pokok utama yang mahu saya sampaikan pada hari ini sebenarnya adalah mengenai isu akhlak, isu menjadi orang yang cakna terhadap keadaan di sekelilingnya.

Nabi SAW cakna terhadap keperluan seekor kucing. Kita? Apakah masih memilih untuk tidak mahu cakna terhadap keadaan sosial yang semakin hari semakin membarah di dalam masyarakat Islam khasnya? Apakah kita langsung tidak mahu memberikan sumbangan kepada kebangkitan semula Islam di dunia ini?

Kerana, daripada kedua-dua keadaan yang saya bincangkan di atas, saya dapat melihat, lelaki-lelaki sekarang kebanyakannya malas untuk buat 'homework', dan tidak mahu belajar untuk memahami jiwa perempuan di zaman ini yang sudah tidak lagi se'innocent' perempuan-perempuan Melayu terakhir di zaman dahulu. Lalu, merekapun mudahlah meremeh-remehkan soal menayang-nayangkan ke'hensem'an diri mereka di hadapan para perempuan.

Juga, perempuan-perempuan yang tidak menyedari betapa susahnya seorang lelaki yang baik itu berperang dengan nafsunya; di antara mahu memandang ataupun tidak ke mata seorang perempuan yang bukanlah tidak menutup auratpun, bahkan siap berniqab (namun cukup membuat dadanya hampir hendak pecah). Maka kerana itu, jadilah kita perempuan-perempuan jahil yang tidak lagi jelas sebab-musabab kenapa kita perlu menutup aurat.

Ayuhai, adik, kakak dan abang, hidup ini hanyalah singkat. Dan ia hanya akan jadi bermakna jika kita memberi, lebih banyak daripada kita menerima.

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan adalah, jika masing-masing sedar dan faham tentang peranan serta betapa besarnya sumbangan yang dapat diberikan kepada Islam hanyalah dengan menjaga perkara-perkara kecil seperti ini... Maka, besarlah harapan kita hendak melihat Islam, tertegak semula dengan gahnya di muka bumi ini suatu hari nanti, insyaAllah!

Akhir kalam, baik Hawa ataupun Adam, kita punya peranan yang berbeza, namun kita semua tetap sama-sama bekerja! Wallahu'alam.


(Di bawah adalah ayat saya)
p.s : artikel ini memang cadangnya dah lama nak post, (copy paste sebenarnya = share) tapi tak ada masa. Jadi post ini tak ada kaitan langsung dengan sebarang situasi.

p.p.s : terasa bersalah pula kadang-kadang meletakkan gambar sendiri yang agak macho di blog ini. Dan fb pun saya sudah pun private kan gambar2 tertentu (bajet hot lagi)...melainkan gambar2 biasa je selepas membaca artikel ini.

Lelaki Itu Yang Gagah

....
Saya rasa komik di bawah sangat menyentuh hati, sebab....
entah, saya pun tak tahu kenapa saya rasa tersentuh.



Dipetik dari http://syauqahwardah1209.blogspot.com/2012/01/demi-allah-aku-takkan-menyentuhmu.html

Koleksi Kisah-kisah Sedih

Saya tujukan kisah-kisah ini kepada semua orang. Saya rasa perkara ini boleh dijadikan hujah bagi orang-orang yang menyokong Brotherhood and Sisterhood. Bahawa kelompok lelaki haruslah sentiasa bersama mereka, kelompok perempuan dengan kelompok mereka....

Ada kisah bagaimana seorang isteri boleh jatuh hati dekat kawan suaminya, setelah bertahun kahwin, hari demi hari kebenciannya terhadap suaminya makin mendalam. Ada juga kisah bagaimana pasangan suami isteri bergaul bebas dengan pasangan suami isteri yang lain. Kisah bagaimana seorang lelaki, yang sudah beristeri, solat lima waktu pun, masih lagi gagal untuk elak dari jatuh hati kepada isteri orang. Bagaimana seorang budak perempuan membesar melihat ayahnya yang pantang tengok perempuan, gilakan perempuan - kemudian suatu masa emaknya sendiri melihat perbuatan keji ayahnya di rumah itu sendiri...kanak-kanak itu membesar menjadi seorang yang sangat bencikan laki-laki.

Dipetik dari http://islamqa.info/en/ref/1200

Victims of mixing… True stories

Lost hope

Umm Muhammad, a mature woman over the age of 40, tells her story.

I lived a life of modest means with my husband. There was never any closeness and harmony, and my husband did not have the kind of strong personality that a woman would hope for, but his good nature made me overlook the fact that I was the one who was responsible for most of the decision making in the family.

My husband often used to mention the name of his friend and business partner, and he would talk about him in my presence, and I often used to meet with him in his office which was originally part of our apartment. This went on for many years, until circumstances led to us exchanging visits with this person and his family. These family visits were repeated and because of his close friendship with my husband, we did not notice how the number of visits increased and how many hours a single visit would last. He often used to come on his own to sit with us, me and my husband, for long visits. My husband’s trust in him knew no bounds, and as days passed I got to know this person very well, and saw how wonderful and decent he was. I began to feel a strong attraction towards this man, and at the same time I began to sense that the feeling was mutual.

Things took a strange turn after that, when I realized that this man was the kind of person I had always dreamed about. Why had he come along now, after all these years? The more this man’s status increased in my eyes, the more my husband’s status diminished. It was as if I had needed to see the beauty of his character in order to discover how ugly my husband’s character was.

The matter between this person and myself did not go beyond these persistent thoughts which were occupying my mind night and day. Neither he nor I ever voiced what we felt in our hearts… until today. Yet despite that my life is over and my husband is little more than a weak man with no self-esteem. I hate him and I do not know how all this hatred towards him started to boil over. I wonder how I put up with him all these years, bearing all these burdens by myself, facing life’s problems on my own.

Things got so bad that I asked him for a divorce, and he divorced me at my request. After that he became a broken man. Even worse than that is that after my marriage was wrecked and my children and husband were devastated, problems arose in this man's family. His wife, with her feminine intuition, realized what had been going on in his heart of hearts, and his life became hell. She was overwhelmed with jealousy to the extent that one night she left her house at 2 a.m. and came to attack my house, screaming, weeping and hurling accusations. His marriage was also about to collapse.

I admit that the lovely gatherings which we used to enjoy gave us the opportunity to get to know one another at a time that was not appropriate at this stage in our lives.

His marriage has been wrecked and so has mine. I have lost everything, and now I know that my circumstances and his will not permit us to take any positive step towards coming together. Now I am more miserable than I have ever been, and I am looking for illusionary happiness and lost hopes.

Tit-for-tat

Umm Ahmad tells us:

My husband had a group of married friends, and because of our close friendship with them, we used to get together with them once a week in one of our houses, to enjoy an evening of chat.

Deep down in my heart I was never really comfortable with the atmosphere in which we would have dinner, sweets, snacks and drinks of juice accompanied by waves of laughter because of the jokes and chit-chats that often went beyond the bounds of good manners.

In the name of friendship, the barriers were lifted and every now and then one would hear suppressed laughter between a woman and the husband of another woman. The jokes were too much, dealing – with no sense of shyness –with sensitive topics such as sex and women’s private matters. This was usual and was even accepted and regarded as desirable.

Although I indulged in these things along with them, my conscience made me feel guilty. Then the day came when it became quite clear just how ugly and filthy this atmosphere was.

The telephone rang, and I heard the voice of one of the friends in this group. I said hello to him and apologized that my husband was not home. He replied that he knew that, and that he was calling to speak to me! After he suggested starting a relationship with me, I got very angry and spoke harshly to him and cursed him. All he could do was laugh and say, “Don’t try and show these good manners to me; go and check on your husband’s good manners and see what he is doing…” I was devastated by what he said, but I pulled myself together and said to myself, this person is only trying to cause the break up of your marriage. But he succeeded in planting the seeds of doubt concerning my husband.

Shortly after that, the major disaster struck. I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with another woman. It was the matter of life or death as far as I was concerned. I found my husband out and I confronted him, saying: “You are not the only one who can have a relationship. I have received a similar proposition.” And I told him all about his friend. He was stunned and absolutely shocked. (I said:) “If you want me to respond in kind to your relationship with that woman, then this is for that, tit-for-tat.” This was a huge slap in the face for him. He knew that I did not intend to do that in reality, but he realized the great disaster that had befallen our lives and the immoral atmosphere in which we were living. I suffered a great deal until my husband finally left that loose woman with whom he was having a relationship, as he admitted to me. Yes, he left her and came back to his family and children, but how can I ever feel the same towards him as I used to? Who will restore respect for him in my heart? This huge wound in my heart is still bleeding out of regret and rage at that filthy atmosphere; it still bears testimony to the fact that what they call innocent get-togethers are in reality anything but innocent. My heart still begs for mercy from the Lord of Glory.

Intelligence can also be a temptation (fitnah)

‘Abd al-Fattaah says:

I work as the head of department in one of the big companies. For a long time I admired one of my female colleagues, not for her beauty, but for her serious attitude towards her work, her intelligence and her excellent achievements – in addition to the fact that she was a decent and modest person who focused only on her work. This admiration turned into attachment, and I am a married man who fears Allaah and never misses any obligatory prayer. I expressed my feelings to her and she rebuffed me. She is married and has children as well. She sees no reason why I should have any kind of relationship with her, whether it be friendship, as work colleagues or based on admiration… etc. Evil thoughts come to me sometimes, and deep down I wish that her husband would divorce her so that I could get her.

I started to put pressure on her at work and put her down in front of my bosses. Perhaps this was a form of revenge on my part, but she accepted it with good manners and did not complain or comment. She works and works; her performance speaks of her quality, and she knows this well. The more she resisted me, the stronger my infatuation grew.

I am not a person who is easily tempted by women, because I fear Allaah and I do not overstep the mark with them and go beyond what is required by my work. But this woman attracted me. What is the solution?… I do not know.

Baby ducks know how to swim

N.A.A., a nineteen-year-old girl, tells us:

At that time I was a little girl. My innocent eyes watched those evening get-togethers when family friends would meet in the house. What I remember is that I could only see one man, who was my father. I watched him as he moved about the room, how his glances would devour the women present, looking at their thighs and chests, admiring this one’s eyes, that one’s hair, the other’s hips. My poor mother had no choice but to take care of these get-togethers. She was a very simple lady.

Among the women present there was one woman who would deliberately try to attract my father’s attention, sometimes by coming close to him, and sometimes by making enticing movements. I would watch this with concern, whilst my mother was busy in the kitchen for the sake of her guests.

These gatherings stopped suddenly and I tried, young as I was, to understand and make sense of what had happened, but I could not.

What I remember was that my mother collapsed completely at that time, and she could not stand to hear my father’s name mentioned in the house. I used to hear mysterious words whispered by the adults around me: “Betrayal… bedroom… she saw them with her own eyes… despicable woman… in a very shameful position…” etc. These were the key words which only the adults could understand.

I grew up and came to understand, and I bore a grudge against all men. All of them were treacherous. My mother was a broken woman and accused every woman who came to us of being a man-snatcher who wanted to make my father fall into her trap. My father hasn’t changed. He is still practising his favourite hobby of chasing women, but now he does it outside the home. Now I am nineteen years old and I know lots of young men. I feel great pleasure in taking revenge on them, because every one of them is an exact copy of my father. I tempt them and entice them, without letting them get anywhere near me. They follow me in gatherings and in the marketplaces because of my movements and deliberate gestures. Sometimes my phone never stops ringing and I feel proud of what I do to avenge the sex of Hawwa’ and my mother. But sometimes I feel so miserable and such a failure that it almost chokes me. My life is shadowed by a huge dark cloud, and its name is my father.

Before it is too late

S.N.A. tells of her experience:

I never imagined that my work circumstances would force me to be in contact with the opposite sex (men), but this in fact is what happened…

In the beginning, I used to cover and screen myself from men by wearing niqaab (face-veil), but some of the sisters advised me that this dress was attracting more attention to my presence, and it would be better for me to take off the niqaab, especially since my eyes were somewhat attractive. So I removed the cover from my face, thinking that this was better. But by continuing to mix with my colleagues, I discovered that I was the odd one out because of my antisocial attitude and my insistence on not joining in the conversation and chatting with others. Everyone was wary of this “lone-wolf” woman (as they saw me), and this is what was stated clearly by one person who affirmed that he would not want to deal with such a snooty and stand-offish character. But I knew that I was the opposite, in fact, and I decided that I would not oppress myself and put myself in a difficult position with my colleagues. So I started to join in their chats and exchanges of anecdotes, and they all discovered that I could speak eloquently and persuasively, and that I could influence others. I could also speak in a manner that was determined yet at the same time was attractive to some of my colleagues. It was not long before I noticed some changes in the expression of my direct supervisor; with some embarrassment, he was enjoying the way I spoke and moved, and he would deliberately bring up topics in the conversation where I would see that hateful look in his eyes. I do not deny the fact that I started to entertain some thoughts about this man. I found it astonishing that a man could fall so easily into the trap of a woman who was religiously committed, so how must it be in the case of women who adorn themselves and invite men to commit immoral actions? In fact, I did not think of him in any way which went beyond the bounds of sharee’ah, but he did occupy a space in my thoughts for quite some time. But soon my self-respect made me reject the idea of being a source of enjoyment for this man in any way, shape or form, even if it was only psychological in nature, and I stopped getting involved in any kind of work that would force me to sit alone with him. In the end, I reached the following conclusions:

1- Attraction between the sexes can occur in any circumstances, no matter how much men and women may deny that. The attraction may start within the bounds of sharee’ah and end up going beyond those bounds.
Even if a person protects himself (by marriage), he is not safe from the snares of the Shaytaan.
3- Even though a person may be able to guarantee himself and he works with the opposite sex within reasonable limits, he cannot guarantee the feelings of the other party.
Finally, there is nothing good in mixing and it does not bear fruit as they claim. On the contrary, it corrupts sound thinking.

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Kisah Nabi Musa dan Safura ; satu pertemuan dan kisah yang best

Saya masih mencari-cari di manakah asasnya kisah ini diambil, sebab di dalam Al-Quran tidaklah diceritakan kisah mereka dengan begitu spesifik. Jadi sekiranya ada pembaca-pembaca di luar sana yang tahu di mana boleh didapati sumber-sumber yang sahih, dpersilakan beritahu saya. Buat masa sekarang, berdasarkan pengamatan saya, artikel di bawah sekurang-kurangnya lebih ilmiah dan disertakan beberapa rujukan, dan tidak salahnya kita ambil pengajaran selagi tidak bertentangan dengan Al-Quran dan sunnah. Sekian.

Artikel di bawah diambil daripada muslimness.

From SuhaibWebb.com, by Hena Zuberi

I am from Generation X. Raised on ‘Pretty in Pink’ and Sweet Dreams romance novels, some of my friends read Mills and Boons, others raved about the unattainable love in the Thorn birds; but I preferred the grand passion of Wuthering Heights. That was my idea of a romance – filling each other completely, a religion of love.

It also came from Indian movies; rich girl falls for poor guy, they dance around trees in the rain, then drama ensues from the family, enter Prem Chopra character, the guy runs off with girl, the end. Sometimes, he would dash in with a monologue and take her away while she was getting married to someone else. How many girls are still waiting for their Sir Salman/Saif/Shahrukh Khan to take them away on a white horse in a red lehnga?

When in love, according to Freud, “against all the evidence of her/his senses, a wo/man who is in love declares ‘I’ and ‘you’ are one, and is prepared to behave as if it were a fact.” This love is so destructive, so impossible. Based on these notions, I have nursed many a heartbroken friend: in ER after she burnt herself with a cigarette because she wasn’t allowed to see him, helping hide another’s bruises under makeup, where hepunched her for talking to his buddy. My own quest was less for the pain, more for the eternal flutter in my heart. What were we thinking? Allah made us; He put these feelings in our heart, so why didn’t we ever think of turning to His book to see how ‘boy meets girl’ really works? It’s all in there.

I read of a great courtship, a love story that is so romantic it’s divine. The setting – Madyan, the land of frankincense, I can almost smell it lingering in the air. Historian Abdulla Al-Wohaibi writes that Madyan was “a flourishing ancient town with numerous wells and permanently flowing springs whose water had good taste. There were farms, gardens and groves of palm trees.”

Here we meet Safurah, the daughter of Shuyab `alayhi assalam (peace be upon him) at the side of a gushing spring, ‘keeping back, stopping her sheep from drinking with the sheep of the shepherds.’ And Musa (عليه السلام‎), a fugitive on the run for eight days, crossing the burning desert sands from Egypt, feeding off nothing but tree leaves.

Their meeting is a beautiful example of chivalry; a perfect model of what it means to be a man and a woman. She didn’t need him; this was her daily routine and she waited out of her sense of modesty. She and her sister were strong women, after all herding their father’s flock wasn’t easy work. They were surrounded by rowdy men, reminding me of sceners from Liberty market in Lahore, Cairo’s Khan Khaleeli or the Westfield mall in Generic town, U.S.A. where rowdy boys hang out – men yelling, pushing, with little dignity or sense of composure. He, however, was a gentleman amongst the uncouth.

She didn’t need his help, she could have waited until all of the other men were done and then watered her flock, but that’s what makes it so special – that he still stood up to help her. Musa (عليه السلام‎) was thirsty too but his sense of doing the right thing was stronger than his fatigue or his hunger. He was honorable – he could have ignored the sisters, could have said “I’m too tired, too important.” He had no relationship with these women. He didn’t know what family or religion they were from. All he saw was someone was being treated unfairly and for the sake of Allah, he was ready to help.

Sisters, a man like that will get you far in life. He will be just with your children, your parents and his parents. He will help you in your faith, your home and your life. As for the ones pushing each other to get the water from the well, they are the same brothers who will keep fighting for the dunya: keep working away for the next promotion, the next beamer, and you will be left on the side like the two sisters from Madyan.

When Musa (عليه السلام‎) approached the water, he saw that the shepherds had put over the mouth of the spring an immense rock that could only be moved by ten men. ‘Musa embraced the rock and lifted it out of the spring’s mouth, the veins of his neck and hands standing out as he did so.’ He watered their sheep and put the rock back in its place.

After Musa (عليه السلام‎) did this kind act, he went back in the shade of the tree and made du`a’. Unlike some MSA brothers who like to walk the sisters to their apartments and then ask them if they have food in the fridge, he didn’t ask the girls “Hey! I did you a favor, can you help me out now?”

No, he lies down on Allah’s green earth and makes this beautiful du`a’:

“So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to shade, and said: ‘My Lord! I am truly in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!’” (Qur’an,28:24)

`Ata’ bin As-Sa’ib said in Tafsir ibn Kathir: “When Musa (عليه السلام‎) made that du`a’the women heard him.” What a beautiful du`a’ to make for all of us who are looking for a good partner or bliss in our married lives. This one du`a’ to Allah gave Musa (as) a job, a house and a family all at once. When you have nothing left except Allah, than you find that Allah is always enough for you.

The two sisters came home with the well-fed sheep, surprising their father Shuyab (as). He asked them what had happened, and they told him what Musa (عليه السلام‎) had done. So he sent one of them to call him to meet her father.

She said: “My father is inviting you so that he may reward you for watering our sheep.” In Tafsir ibn Kathir it states there came to him one of them, walking shyly, meaning she was walking like a free woman. Narrates `Umar ibn-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him: “She was covering herself from them (Musa) with the folds of her garment.”

Safurah is intelligent and intuitive. Abdullah bin Masud praised three people’s intuition:, Abu Bakr Siddiq (ra) about `Umar ibn-Khattab, Yousuf ‘s (as) companion, and Safurah’s when she asked her father to hire Musa (عليه السلام‎). “Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy.” Her father said to her, ”What do you know about that?” She said to him, “He lifted a rock which could only be lifted by ten men, and when I came back with him, I walked ahead of him, but he said to me, walk behind me, and if I get confused about the route, throw a pebble so that I will know which way to go.”

He didn’t follow her, looking at her from behind – subhan’Allah. Imagine the scenario: he was a prince who must have had women throwing themselves at him but he ‘lowers his gaze’, which is the hukum for all Muslim men, but how many really adhere to that? Here Musa (عليه السلام‎) is not Safurah’s husband yet, so he asks her to walk behind him, knowing very well that he doesn’t know the way but she does. It wasn’t a matter of ego or superiority; he was concerned about her honor as she was alone, without her sister; this way he was protecting her. Look at their society too – if all the men were such boors, could you put it past those people to gossip about her walking with him?

I often wonder how Musa (عليه السلام‎) grew up to be this way? He came from such privilege, so much corruption existed in the court of Pharoah; he could have had any woman he wanted. But he learnt how to honor women from his pious foster mother, `Aasiya (ra); and continued this respect even hundreds of miles from his mother’s eyes. Mothers can be shields for their sons – even if the fathers are Pharoah.

Back to our courtship: Musa (عليه السلام‎) takes Safurah’s ‘lead’ by making her throw stones to direct the route. Brothers, there’s a lesson for you here: it’s ok to ask for directions and consulting with a woman. Such a man’s bravado would be insulted today; he would be considered crazy or sexist asking a woman to walk in his shadow and then make her do all the work! Armed with our liberal arts education, we often undervalue a man’s masculinity. Such hoopla is made over where the husband walks, in front, side by side, behind you. My husband is a foot and some taller than me, so big deal if he sometimes walks faster than me, he’s got longer legs. Other times he walks behind me especially in crowds and he is often there by my side. It doesn’t define us. Shouldn’t it matter more whether he is ahead, behind or by my side spiritually?

Safurah then hired Musa (عليه السلام‎) and chooses to marry him under her father’s guidance. There was no long engagement and no endless conversations – no promises of unending love. How many times do we pass up great partners because we haven’t clicked? What did she like about him in those short meetings? First of all, she sees he is not a wimp, he stood up for her when they were strangers, imagine what he would do for her when she becomes his wife.

He complements her life; she needs a man in her household, to help her run her business (we see the same theme in the blessed union of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and our mother, Khadijah (ra). This story reinforces in me the reason why my husband is always going to be the leader of my family. He leads well, so that I may willingly follow.

Musa (عليه السلام‎) agrees to the terms Safurah’s family sets for their marriage. She admires his trust in Allah, his ability to problem solve, his strength and his manners. If women looked for his four characteristics in a man, instead of the countless other things we focus on, will we not find our own beautiful Musa?

Further, if we are consumed by the love we have for our spouse, will there be space in our hearts for Allah? Heathcliff and Catherine of Wuthering Heights had replaced God for each other. They needed to fuse their identities and thought they had attained heaven. Bronte’s mysticism notwithstanding, love like theirs is asocial, amoral and irresponsible. After reading Musa and Safurah’s love story though, I learned to love my husband for the right reasons: for his support, his strengths, and his sense of responsibility for the sake of Allah. After ten years, he still makes my heart flutter; but he doesn’t need to complete me. It’s enough that he complements me. And it is this evolving courtship that will inshaAllah knock the tunes out of every Indian movie.

References:

Abdulla Al-Wohabi, The Northern Hijaz In The Writings of The Arab Geographers 800-1150 B.C., p. 142

Emily Bronte, Imelani. Religion, Metaphysics and Mysticism.

Reposted with permission from Suhaib Webb.com, discussions and musings. Subscribe for free updates.

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